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Final Fantasy JENOVA
09.11.02, 21:05:19
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Post #1 (permalink) |
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| Walking through the ruins of Midgar, Aeris thought to herself. Why am I here? Why am I having these dreams? In them Im a flower girl, selling roses to people living there.( Ha,now thats funny). Everyone knows that Midgar has been deserted for 300 years. There is no way I could of lived there! Stopping in front of a ancient steel wall, she can see her reflection clearly. A young women standing at 5,5, her long brown hair blowing in the breeze. She has her mothers green eyes,(dam, I look good). she thought. Tunring around quickly, Aeris walked toward Heros Plaza. The plaza was as old as the city itself. For in it lies the sacred sword Ultima! For some reason ,she always felt safe there. Suddenly she felt that someone was behind her! Quickly turning around and bringing her staff about. Aeris got a good look at them. Wearing dark armor, they were carrying machine guns. Faces hidden behind a reflective face plate, but she knew them. They were Wu-Ti Corp soldiers!" what are you doing here, you have no right!!"Aeris said firmly. For a few minutes the soldiers said nothing. Than one stepped forward with bow and introduced himself. " My name is Commander Htorihpes, I have been sent to retrive that sword,now stand aside!" |
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In the end,every heart returns to the darkness whence it came. You see,darkness is the hearts true essence.
(G): Valhalla New Era / Class: Loyal Wizard
(C) Soldier : Rank :Soldier Second Class
New sig under way.......
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| Aeris was not going to let them have the sword! Standind firmly she said"Ha! you and what army". Quickly casting Fire three, dodging to her left,Aeris quickly ran towards the sword. Machine gun fire raked her position! But before she reached it, a bullet passed through her left leg. Crying out and falling to the ground.The young women quickly cast heal on herself. But before she could do more, two of the soldiers grabbed her and lifted her up. "let me go,you dweebs!!" "you are just asking for it". If she was trying to scare them it was not working . " I do not wish to hurt you","so please do not interfere". With that ,several of the atackers moved towards the crystal pillar. Aeris could only watch helplessly. "Please stop! that sword is a sacred relic, it belongs to the people of the world!!"."You have no right!!" With those last words tears began to roll down her cheeks. The commander seemed unmoved. Two of the soldiers pulled out heavy axes,they were going to chop the sword out of the pillar!!! "Nooooooo!" Aeris cried out. The axes raised,and before they struck. The two soilders are ingulfed by a fireball!! Everyone turns around schocked!! Aeris cries out in hope,:Red XIII!!!" |
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Oh dear god, the gramtical errors were having me pulling my hair out...
Harsh-*****y CC time! **HURRAY!**
[Aerise though to herself, why am I hear? Why am I haveing hese dreams?]
It's hard to know where the though ends. when people think, the thinking should be used in italics.
You put it all in oen pharagraph...
BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH HSJUWGWB HEJKSJKH UIGUYT&^RDGJKDBNIUWGUIWHWUIHWUWHUWHWUSUKJBSUIWGYGW EUBDE "I"M TALKING" SCNWGYC&^#R%^#BC#%BCUISAXB%Q!%&*XD#YGIB D "Me too" dUERNHqgryw
Big no-no.
BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH
"I'm talking."
"me, too."
BLAH BLAH BLAH
Thats how it should go.
I noticed how you like to do this:
".........," "........"
Anouther big no-no. If you'r doin' something like that it has to be.
"......," Said the man, doign whatever, "......"
See?
["LET ME GO YOU DWEEBS!"]
Oh,, ohhhh, I could just feel aeris' anger! [/sarcasim]
Have the reader feel it alittle.
And when is this happening? After they went and saved the world? Befor? During? When? We need to know.
And what is teh Ultima Sword, and why is it so great? Explain that.
For you; Langth is a *****, you really need to work on that.
I hope this harsh, *****y CC will help you improve, if not, I can be even harsher. |
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"Spamming Makes my feet hurt ...
So don't do it, or midgets shall devour your brains." -DaT^gUhY
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thats exactly why i'll never post any fan fiction, I screw up on everything  |
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Ouch,ouch,oooouch! Man that stings!!!!
I had to try though,and Im not giving up. I write it out,proff read it and then post it. So go ahead and rip into me again,I will finish. |
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| don't mind him, if you really want to keep writing |
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| Thanks SaiyanSephiroth,I was put back ,but I will finish it. Thanks!! |
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| F#@k grammar..Keep going JCAL... |
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| Thanks JoshThePsycho. Im finishing it up right now. Ill post It soon. |
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I'm not trying to insult your story, I think I said that...
I just use harsher CC then most people... on this board, anyway. My CC was aimed to make your fic better. Thats how good CC is...
But it dosn't seem like many people on this board are very keen to some of the stuff people do on some of the bigger boards... |
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