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Saizuchi

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[FC] Master of Masamune III & IV
05.22.06, 15:47:02

Post #1 (permalink)

Master of Masamune III "Bees and Flowers"

Peeking around the corner the young Sephiroth sneaks his way around in the slums of Midgard. He bolts behind the nearest lamp post and sees some bandits walk in front of him.

Bandit A sits against the light post as Bandit B begins to talk with him. "I can't believe those Shinra asses are going to begin to develope even more mako reactors. Isn't Midgard powerful enough?" Bandit A takes out a cigarette and lights it quickly.

"I hear it's because they found out that they can tap a greater source of Mako. Deeper in the planet." Bandit A takes a drag of his cigarette and blows out the smoke. "All I know is that once Reactor 7 is complete we will finally be able to have power in Sector 7 as well."

Bandit B puts his hand on Bandit A's shoulder. "That will only make it easier for us to steal from people." The two bandits begin to walk off and Sephiroth runs as fast as he can into a church.

White warm aura surrounds Sephiroth. Stepping in it more he looks at his hands and realizes he is deep inside of a Black cold aura. "What is this..." He hears a light giggle in front of him.

Kneeling front of him picking a flower a little girl with long brown hair smiles up at him. "You seem to not know what will become of us." Sephiroth looks down and holds out his hand. She holds the flower close to her chest and bounces up. "I see you and I will be as much of eachother's life as the bee's a part of a flowers life." She waves her finger in Sephiroth's face. "But don't you dare sting me. This flower is the flower of life."

Staring at her blankly Sephiroth ****s his head to the side. "You know you are strange...You didn't even say hi Aerith." Sephiroth jerks his head a little bit trying to figure out how he knew her name.

She puts her finger on her lips and examines Sephiroth closely and hard. "Oh so you are a Jenova."

Sephiroth blinks at the word 'Jenova'. "Ummm...I am a Cetra lil' girl. I have no idea what a Jenova is." The little girl skips around in the flowers happily.

"Oh well...you time will come when you know what a Jenova is. But..." She stops skips and looks back over her shoulder smiling. "I am a Cetra too." Sephiroth bounces a bit and almost scream in happiness.

"REALLY!! I THOUGHT I WAS THE ONLY ONE!!!" The little girls shakes her head softly and smiles.

"Including you there are now three of us. You, me and my mommy." He glances at her walking closer turning her around and grabs her shoulders. "You are Ifalna's and Gast's Daughter? My father is Hojo...so in a sense we know eachother indirectly."

Aerith leans in and kisses Sephiroth as he lets go and wipes his lips. "WHAT WAS THAT FOR!?!" Aerith giggles. "If you want to come with me to the Shinra Building we can get there in a few minutes...or you can be dragged away cause you are being followed." Aerith sticks her tongue out at Sephiroth and runs to the back room.

"Someday...I am either going to torture you or kill you for that kiss brat." Aerith waves him off as they leave.

Vincent and Tseng walk inside the church right as the two children leave. "......"

Part.IV.Coming.Soon...

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Saizuchi's FFR Exclusive Fan-Fiction Series
--------------------
FFVII: Master of Masamune: I & II | III & IV | V & VI | VII & EX
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FFXI: Skies Above Me: I & II

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Last edited by Saizuchi : 05.28.06 at 07:10:35.

Saizuchi

Digital Revolver 07'

Posts: 1,958

Reg: Feb 21 2002

ID: 114

RP: 1049

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05.24.06, 23:34:30

Post #2 (permalink)

At the entrance of the Shinra Corporation Aerith grabs Sephiroth's hand as the sliding doors open. The Receptionist walks over to Aerith, "Oh there you are? We have been looking for you everywhere." The receptionist looks behind Aerith at Sephiroth who is blushing fiercily. "And who is your friend Aerith?"

Aerith hugs Sephiroth from behind and giggles,"This is Professor Hojo's son, Sephiroth." Sephiroth nods slightly with a face as red as a strawberry.

"I am here...you are close...weild me and I will lead you to what you want..." The voice comes again and leaves. Looking around Sephiroth pushes off of Aerith running to the stairs and feverously looking around. "WHERE ARE YOU!!!!"

A deep loud screech almost shatters his ears he leans forward and screams. "GGGWWWWWAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!" Punch the ground over and over, Sephiroth's fist being to slowly bloody.

The reception and Aerith run over to him. "Are you ok sweetheart?" The receptionist leans down about to touch him. "If I were you I would reframe from the action you are about to set in course."

Professor Hojo walks slowly down the staircase. Sephiroth gets up and runs at Hojo, but Vincent stands in front of Hojo pointing his gun to Sephiroth's head. "Move now and there will be a new artwork on the walls of the Shinra Building." Sephiroth growls hard with eyes trained on Hojo.

"So you finally prove to be of some worth, Vincent." Quickly pullback his gun and taking out his spare pistol point that at Sephiroth and his main gun at Hojo. "My warning wasn't only to your son Hojo."

Tseng pats Vincent on the shoulder and is greeted with both guns pointed at him. "Ow! Calm down Vincent...that evil scientist will get his come upins. We just have to finish our part." Tseng looks at Hojo. "You know it's never good to have Hornets and Bees in the same room. They tend to fight for dominance."

Hojo crosses his arms and smirks. "So your friend here is the hornet? You underestimate my reasons for seeing my son in these settings." Tseng's brow rises in surprise.

Aerith holds Sephiroth from behind. "My father is about to say that a bee needs a proper 'stinger'." Looking in confusion, Vincent puts away his guns away.

"You dare use that specimen to forge a 'stinger'." Hojo nods with a smirk.

Looking at Hojo a woman, a ghastly and ghostly figure walks between the conversation adults. Sephiroth keeps his eyes trained on her.

Aerith shakes him slightly. "Don't look at her...she is evil..." Sephiroth mumbles, "So you can...see...her..." The young boy faints and falls to the ground.

Hojo giggles evilly, "Seems the boy can't stand on his own. Take him to the ceils. Hahahaha."

Michael

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05.26.06, 23:11:05

Post #3 (permalink)

I've been reading through these so far, but I haven't had a chance to respond to them yet, so I'm going to make this a general view, as opposed to an all out analysis.

The idea is good, and the execution is okay... but it just doesn't work in the present tense.

There are also a number of severe and very obvious literatery mistakes, that threaten to ruin the story far too often. There are a large number of instances where the writing goes flat through to the lack of basic puncutation, in places where it's needed. On top of this, when two characters are speaking, they should never share the same paragraph. It's akward, and makes for difficult reading.

For the positive critique. It's an interesting story premise, and to this point, it's leading in a promising direction. I'm genuinely interested in knowing where it's go to head. I also like how you handle some of the dialogue, which can be a very tricky thing to pin down.

Refine a number of lines, fix the glaring mistakes, and I think you'll have a very worthy piece on your hand.

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Saizuchi

Digital Revolver 07'

Posts: 1,958

Reg: Feb 21 2002

ID: 114

RP: 1049

	Beatmania IIDX
	Sean Carter
	Seven Samurai
	Animal Farm
	Nintendo Wii

05.28.06, 05:22:12

Post #4 (permalink)

Thanks for the Critique. We are going to see three more chapters. I want to end this on Part VII as a dedication to the game it was on. But yeah this is a rushed work. XD I started it 3 years ago and never finished.