I first came up with the concept of this story when I was listening to the Cowboy Bebop sound track, from which the piece takes its name. I must warn you, it's unfinished, there will be an extra monologue where the character narrates his death, but I'm having a writer's block regarding it, so I'll just post it as it is for a little bit and get some early criticism.
It is a noir piece, so it does have some typical noir cliches, bad analogies and all. :P If there are any spelling errors, or some weird grammar **** ups you notice, please point them out.
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The Farewell Blues
Her footsteps echo on the hard ground as she walks towards me. The stars are masked by a polluted city sky, smoke rising to blanket the early hours of the morning. Even dimly lit by the dock lights, she’s the most beautiful creature, cloaked from head to toe in rich furs.
A reminder of something I lost; something I didn’t imagine I’d ever find again. But she’s more than a reminder. She replaces that thing I lost, and with one flash of her eyes she does what the years and years of bourbon never could do. She drowns the memories I’ve tried so hard to drown before.
The way she walks towards me is perfect, one leg gracefully following the other. She is… sublime. She is seductress; my bloody valentine.
We walk towards one another until there’s barely a foot between us. She turns and stares out across the black water. It laps the docks quietly. I watch her, not saying anything. Despite her warms furs, a cold breath escapes her beautiful lips; the illusion of smoke, floating in indiscriminate patterns before disappearing into the dark. There’s something strangely beautiful about it… something subtle, something perfect.
I reach into my coat and pull out a packet of cigarettes. I hold one out to her, and she takes it without looking at me. She lights it with her own lighter, and I watch her, study her profile silhouetted against the dark blue of the sky as she draws the heat into her lungs.
Beautiful. Subtle. Perfect.
Suddenly she drops the lighter, and the cigarette falls out of her mouth, stain of her red lips falling to the ground like a lost kiss. She turns suddenly and sharply and falls into my arms. I put them around her; one hand on the back of her head. She cries into my chest and all I can think about is how perfect her auburn hair smells, how soft the skin on her neck is.
She’s an amphetamine, totally intoxicating.
I try to ask her what’s wrong, but I can’t seem to get the words out. They catch in my throat, trapped there with so many other words I’ve always wanted to say. She whispers to me while she presses something to my ribs, so quietly, like she knows it’s a word neither of us want to hear.
“Sorry.”
She pulls the trigger, and I fall down to the cold ground. She kneels beside me, running her slender fingers through my hair. Somewhere nearby, I can hear someone playing their saxophone. It’s a sad song. The song of my life. The farewell blues.
Nice so far. I guess you're having the same problem as me then. People might read but they dont answer. Well, anyways, I'll answer.
You asked for critisism so I'll start with that.
A short piece so far and I've only got one thing that you might want to consider rewording.
'She drowns the memories I’ve tried so hard to drown before. '
I wouldn't use Drown twice. It reads akwardly and besides, the line before describes the flash of her eyes which doesn't have anything to do with drowning. Noire style should flow like dark syrup and you pretty much nailed that with everything else. But to me, that line broke the flow.
There were a few too many short sentences that are ended with a period where a comma would suffice, and I have a feeling that was your intention, to use lots of short thoughts. Just be careful not to overdo it is all.
Now for cudos.
I know what you based it on and I think it holds perfectly true to the style. Obviously it needs an ending but I'll read it when it gets written.
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Nice so far. I guess you're having the same problem as me then. People might read but they dont answer. Well, anyways, I'll answer.
There is nothing more frustrating to see that your thread has had views, and not one person has taken the time to post a response.
Quote:
You asked for critisism so I'll start with that.
A short piece so far and I've only got one thing that you might want to consider rewording.
'She drowns the memories I’ve tried so hard to drown before. '
I wouldn't use Drown twice. It reads akwardly and besides, the line before describes the flash of her eyes which doesn't have anything to do with drowning. Noire style should flow like dark syrup and you pretty much nailed that with everything else. But to me, that line broke the flow.
I can see what you mean here. This piece is actually still just an early draft of a much bigger project, and that will definitely be altered for the final product.
Quote:
There were a few too many short sentences that are ended with a period where a comma would suffice, and I have a feeling that was your intention, to use lots of short thoughts. Just be careful not to overdo it is all.
You're quite right, it was intended. I wanted to have a sense of noir narrative, but being told from the POV of the main character. He's a very abrupt person, very straightforward.
Quote:
Now for cudos.
I know what you based it on and I think it holds perfectly true to the style. Obviously it needs an ending but I'll read it when it gets written.
Ah, thanks for that. I wasn't really sure whether I'd grasped the noir stylings or not. You've confirmed it for me.
I'm sure I've read this piece before, and I honestly can't tell if it's different to the one I looked it, since it's been so long since I did. But I like it then, and I liked it now. Good work as always, Seph. I've nothing to critique.
May I suggest something? If you want more replies, don't post so many stories is such a sort span of time. Story critiqueing takes time and patience, and if you post too many stories at once, some of them are bound to get ignored. (It's why I've only posted on so far.) Just something for you to consider for future posts.
I'm currently looking for gamers with an interest in the gaming culture and industry outside of Final Fantasy to help with a new, upcoming video game news site. If you think you're interested, please throw a PM my way.
I'm sure I've read this piece before, and I honestly can't tell if it's different to the one I looked it, since it's been so long since I did. But I like it then, and I liked it now. Good work as always, Seph. I've nothing to critique.
May I suggest something? If you want more replies, don't post so many stories is such a sort span of time. Story critiqueing takes time and patience, and if you post too many stories at once, some of them are bound to get ignored. (It's why I've only posted on so far.) Just something for you to consider for future posts.
Thanks for the compliments, amigo. Yeah, you're right, I should probably cut down on the posting them in such a short time span.
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