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[STORY]The Star of Eternity
05.21.04, 22:41:30
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I gave a short preview to this about a year ago. It's my book, though back then it was called "Stars of Eternity". The number of stars isn't the only thing to be changed. After 3 or 4 chapters into it, I began disliking it. It was faulty and cliched in ALOT of ways. The main character was too powerful to NOT know his ultra-secret background that EVERYONE ELSE knew about. And he was too perfect. I couldn't even relate to my own creation. Twas sad. So I'm in the midst of rewriting it. The reason I'm posting it is in hope of getting some constructive feedback to help me out. I still plan to someday publish it, once I find a way to perfect it to my liking. PLEASE give feedback. I need it. Anyhoo, here's the prologue of "The Star of Eternity". Any of you who remember the preview will recognize this piece.
PROLOGUE
He fell. He plummeted through the clouds, so fast he could barely catch his breath. Where to, he could not see. With his dirty robes fluttering in the wind, his steel masked pressed painfully into his face. No ground below, just blue skies and thick white clouds all around him. Suddenly, he felt his whole body jerk upward. The man lifted his head and saw what appeared to be a beautiful angel, dressed in a long white robe, holding him by his the seams of his robe. Her long blonde hair seemed to float in the breeze. He could feel the wind press harder against his face, as the angel flew faster and faster.
With a bright flash, fire surrounded them in the air. The clouds seemed to disappear, replaced by smoke and searing flames. The flames quickly consumed the angelic woman, who screamed in agony, dropping him. Yelling for help, he fell into the fire and found himself floating in the depths of the underworld. He looked around and saw volcanoes all around him and a great sea of fire. He could feel the heat of the fire begin to burn his flesh. Suddenly, a dark red demon emerged from the flames and stood on a volcano below him. The three-horned creature scanned the area, its orange eyes glowing brightly and its long tail flicking, impatiently. It spotted the man and grinned, allowing him to see its long, sharp teeth. The man cowered back in fear and tried to hide, to no avail. The demon lifted up a gigantic boulder and flung it in his direction. The great rock slammed into the man with an alarming force, hurling his body like a rag doll through the flames. He closed his eyes and tried to scream.
But nothing came out of his mouth and, amazingly, he felt no pain. When he opened his eyes, he realized he was floating in an empty void. In every direction he looked, all he saw was black. Suddenly, he felt a disturbance. Startled, he turned and saw a great flash of light, in the center of the void. He watched in awe, as multiple explosions of light and matter occurred around him. Stone and dust collided, as the universe came into form before him. The light was closer now, becoming brighter, forcing the man to cover his eyes in fear of going blind.
Then there was silence. He opened his eyes and gazed at the beauty of the newly completed universe. Each planet seemed a treasure all their own. It was then, gazing at one of the planets, that he felt himself being pulled toward it. The man floated peacefully, entering the planet’s atmosphere. He came to land in one of the planet’s many forests. At first, he heard nothing and all he could see were trees and a dense grassland. But then, he heard a rustling behind him and he turned to see a white unicorn step into the clearing. The long golden horn upon it’s forehead glowed brightly, as it walked toward him.
“You are the one,” the unicorn said, causing him to fall backwards in surprise. “You are the guardian of the stars.”
The man heard a crack and felt his mask become light. He felt around and discovered the lock had broken. He pulled the mask away, revealing....
Before any of you comment on this, I decided long ago not toreveal the main character in the prologue. I didn't want this opening to be clouded with backstory and names. I want the reader just to experience what the character is feeling, not dwell on who the character is. Anyhoo, comments and criticisms are greatly requested. Please help a brother out. Thanks. |
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Oh, snap. I'm back online.
Last edited by Winter Nights : 05.26.04 at 16:17:53.
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Well those who ask shall recieve. A ZR will be winging its way to the ZR thread soon.
Mind you, I would prefer to wait until there is a little more to review. I can't make decent criticism....ahem...I mean constructive observation on something so short. Particularly as this is an interlude to a longer novel.
So post another bit and I'll get one done. |
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Quote:
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Quoth GimitroZemitra:
Well those who ask shall recieve. A ZR will be winging its way to the ZR thread soon.
Mind you, I would prefer to wait until there is a little more to review. I can't make decent criticism....ahem...I mean constructive observation on something so short. Particularly as this is an interlude to a longer novel.
So post another bit and I'll get one done.
|
It will be much appreciated, believe me. And I will finally post the story behind this interlude that a few people have seen several iterations of. Starting with Chapter One, which I will now post. This chapter serves, as most Chapter One's do, as an introductory to the characters and their lifestyles, as well as the kind of age in humanity they are living in. The more juicier content starts in Chapter Two. But, at least, you will finally meet the falling man, Jonathan Wolfe.
ONE
Hana Celeste walked quietly through the forest, her long white robes dragging the ground behind her. She often took walks like this, to get away from all the cares and worries of a T’Minian priestess. Her sky blue skin seemed to glow, as the sunlight peeked through the trees and landed gently on her face. She smiled slightly, deep in thought, and ran her fingers through her long, dark blue hair. Lost in her own mind, she didn’t even notice the man behind the trees with a rifle aimed at her.
The bullet soared just centimeters from her ear. Terrified, she frantically spun around, scanning the trees for the shooter. Suddenly, she felt the cold barrel of the rifle press gently against her back. A man’s voice spoke.
“Priestess Hana, I presume?”
“Yes,” she said, nervously.
“You are to take me to your people,” the man said. “You and I are going to deliver a message.”
Hana calmly closed her eyes. Her body became warm and started to glow. Her eyes began to flutter and she–
“Hey!!” The rifle pressed harder into her back and her body returned to it’s normal state. “Better watch it, missy. Try that again and I’ll be dragging your body back to your people. Now move it, *****!”
So, they headed back the way Hana had came, toward T’Minia.
* * * *
Jonathan Wolfe awoke with a start. He instantly felt sick and rolled over, vomiting over the side of his mattress. He raised his head and sighed. The taste of bile burned in his throat. His hands moved towards his face, until they touched cold steel. The mask was still there. His hands moved toward the side of his head, feeling the lock, still intact.
As he dressed, he began to ponder what it all meant. Every night for the last four months, he dreamed that confusing dream. Every morning, he felt sick and nauseous. He told no one of the dreams, for fear of angering the monks.
Jonathan sighed. This just added to his growing list of questions about himself. Orphaned as a baby, he was found outside a Veronican monastery. He was taken in and raised by one of the monks, Nathan Romina. However, while Nathan wanted to raise him as any other boy, the other monks would hear nothing of it. They feared him and believed that he held a dark power. So they kept him in the dark, damp basement and locked a steel mask on his head. They used him for slave labor and would sometimes whip him, if they were not approving of his work. But, he could tell they still feared him. They didn’t think Jonathan heard their whispers, but he had.
Nathan was not among the monks that abused Jonathan. He put a stop to it every time he caught them, though this sometimes caused them to whip Jonathan harder at a later time. He was always very kind to Jonathan and promised that one day, the young man would be free of all this. This always caused Jonathan to ask him when, to which Nathan would respond, “When the time is right, my dear boy.”
Jonathan’s thoughts were interrupted by a bang on the basement door.
“Hurry up, you lazy welch!” It was David, one of the monks. He hollered as he unlocked the door. “You should already be tending the fields by now!”
“Yes, sir. I’m sorry, sir,” Jonathan replied, bowing profusely.
“Lazy runt,” David muttered, as he walked away. “Never saw why Nathan keeps you around.”
Jonathan sighed and walked up the basement doors, toward the first floor of the monastery.
* * * *
Deep within the Veronican castle, was the throne room of King Vincent Chikara. Along the walls were paintings of all the kings of old, each in a solid gold frame. Three magnificent chandeliers hung from the ceiling, following a long purple carpet that lead up to the throne. It was here that Prince Kurai Chikara conspired with his advisor, Wummel.
“And they’ve agreed to lead us to them?” Kurai asked.
“Yes, sire, the Star is as good as ours,” Wummel stated.
“And what of my father?”
“King Vincent has been... taken care of. If they don’t cooperate, his body will be found deep within the T’Minian forests within the week. Then, our armies will have reason enough to wipe them out and making you a hero, as well as the new king.”
Kurai smiled and looked in the mirror. His blonde hair was neatly trimmed. He wore white dress slacks and shirt, with red gloves and boots and a dark red cape. His white belt had a golden buckle, with the emblem of a dragon. His green eyes sparkled as he spoke.
“We must find the Star of Eternity, Wummel,” He said. “Its power must be mine.”
“Shall I summon Captain Parks, sire?”
“Yes, Wummel. Do that at once.”
“And what of the monk, Nathan?”
“Will it be a problem to acquire his aid?”
“I don’t believe so, sire.”
“Doesn’t really matter. I will summon him later, after I speak with Captain Parks.”
“Why do you seek the Star so fiercely, sire? How powerful could it possibly be?”
“If you only knew...” Kurai smiled again, lost in thought. “If you only knew.”
* * * *
In the royal courtyard, a group of soldiers were just finishing their daily training. Each man wore black uniform slacks and shirts, with their badge indicating rank pinned to their belts. Directing them, was Captain Brandon Parks. He was wearing a similar uniform, with the addition of a black trench coat. He smiled and raised his hand.
“That’s good enough,” he said. “You all show great endurance. You are dismissed for the day.”
The men quickly saluted their captain and filed out of the courtyard. Brandon smirked and began to take a short stroll through the courtyard. It was true the men respected Brandon and would give their lives to serve him. The dark-skinned man was glad to have such great soldiers under his command.
Brandon had always wanted to be a great soldier like his father before him. He moved up the ranks to Commander by age 32. He dazzled the Prince with his combat skills and promoted to captain. Honored by this, Brandon worked harder, trying to be prove himself to the prince. During a battle, Brandon lost his left eye. Now at 36, Brandon had an electronic scanner where his eye used to be.
Brandon was enjoying his stroll, when he noticed Wummel walking toward him. Brandon didn’t like the plump little man and distrusted him greatly. The feeling was mutual.
“What’s he want?” Brandon muttered to himself.
He walked over to Wummel, who promptly handed Brandon a piece of paper.
“Your new orders, Captain,” Wummel stated. “You are to report to his worship, immediately.”
“Yes, sir.” Brandon saluted him. Wummel didn’t bother to salute back, but snorted in his usual way and walked back toward the castle. Brandon followed.
Wummel lead him to the throne room, where Kurai sat upon the throne. Brandon bowed.
“Good morning, your majesty,”Brandon said, respectfully. “Any news on your father?”
“No, none at all,” Kurai replied, seemingly agitated by the subject. “Now about your orders. You and your men are to set out for the land of Batos.”
“Batos? If I may, sire... Why are we to head there?” Brandon asked. “There is little population and what few people are there, can be describe as dangerous sorcerers.”
“You are to retrieve something that is very valuable to the throne.”
“And what is that, your highness?”
“The Star of Eternity.”
Having never heard of such a thing, Brandon questioned further, “What exactly is the Star of Eternity?”
“That is none of your concern.”
This served to perplex Brandon more. “Then how are we to retrieve it, sire?”
“You will have a guide. Her name is Hana Celeste. She will lead you to the Star of Eternity. You will also be accompanied by a monk, Nathan. He is knowledgeable in this area. Now go prepare your men for this journey. Priestess Celeste and Nathan will meet you in your office at dawn.”
“Thank you, sire.” Brandon bowed quickly and left, frustrated at the lack of information as to what would be expected of him.
* * * *
Jonathan was just returning from the fields when David came running over to him.
“What the devil did you do now?” David snarled.
“What do you mean?” Jonathan asked.
“The prince sent a message to Nathan and now he’s demanding your presence. I swear to all that is holy, if you disgraced us, Nathan will have a hard time keeping my whip off you back!”
“I’m sure that I’ve done nothing wrong...”
“It’s too late for excuses, boy. Just get in there!”
Jonathan and David rushed into the monastery to find the aging Nathan reading a letter. He turned to Jonathan and smiled.
“Ah, Jonathan. Come here, my boy,” he called.
Jonathan nervously walked across the room to Nathan. Nathan turned to David, no longer smiling.
“This is for Jonathan’s ears only,” he said flatly.
David gave a quick mutter about dinner being soon and hurried out of the room. Nathan turned back to Jonathan and smiled again.
“Jonathan, I’ve been summoned by the prince. I’m to leave at once,” he stated.
This was a surprise to Jonathan and he excitedly exclaimed, “The Prince! What an honor! I wonder what for?”
Nathan just smiled, knowingly. “Oh, I think I know. Which is why I want you to come along.”
Jonathan suddenly shrunk back again. “Me? I- I wouldn’t know what to say! What if I act like a fool? And what about my mask?”
Nathan held up his hand, silencing Jonathan for a moment. “You’ll do fine. Just let me do all the talking.”
Jonathan sighed, worriedly. “Yes, Nathan.”
* * * *
Jonathan swallowed hard, as he stood in the enormous throne room. When Nathan bowed to Kurai, he bowed as well, not wanting to look foolish.
“Arise,” was Kurai’s first words. “You know why you are here, old man?”
Nathan stood up, meekly followed by Jonathan. “Based on your recent inquiries, I’d assume you are looking for it.”
“Indeed. Captain Parks is to lead the expedition. He has a guide that should lead him to the Star, though she may be untrustworthy. Thus, I order you to serve as his advisor. To make sure everything goes well.”
“I accept this order, sire. However, I do have one request,” stated Nathan.
“And that is?”
Nathan stepped back and pushed Jonathan forward. “The boy comes with me.”
Kurai looked at Jonathan and scowled. Jonathan shrank back in fear. Kurai looked up at Nathan. “Why?”
“He has a birth defect, which is why he wears that mask. The monks see it as a mark of the underworld, so they treat him harshly. I request that he comes with me, for his sake. I fear for his life.”
Kurai sighed, impatiently. “Very well. Come here boy.”
Jonathan hesitated and Nathan pushed him forward. Jonathan looked at the old man, who smiled at him. Jonathan faced Kurai and walked up to the throne, afraid. Kurai frowned, looking through the eye-holes of the mask. “You have red eyes.”
“I was not aware of that, sire” was Jonathan’s quiet reply. “I’ve never had the pleasure of seeing my own face.”
“A pity,” said Kurai, uncaring. “I need Nathan’s assistance in this, thus I allow you to come along. For the sake of the matter at hand.”
Nathan nodded approvingly, winking at Jonathan. Kurai turned his attention back to Nathan.
“You are to meet Captain Parks at dawn.”
“Yes, sire,” replied Nathan.
“Til we meet again,” said Kurai, coldly. “Dismissed.”
Nathan patted Jonathan on the back as they bowed and exited the throne room, the younger of the two feeling very dazed by this turn of events.
* * * *
Nathan and Jonathan were early. As they walked, Jonathan thought about his dreams. He especially thought of the unicorn. How it had called him “the guardian of the stars.” It was all starting to trouble him. Did this have something to do with the “Star” the prince had mentioned. Nathan noticed his companion’s troubled look.
“What’s the matter, my boy?” he asked.
“Nothing,” was Jonathan’s reply.
“Nothing, huh?” mused the old man. “Nothing isn’t a lot to be brooding over.”
Jonathan sighed. “I’m just having problems sleeping. Been having some weird dreams.”
“Weird dreams?” Nathan gave that knowing smile of his. “Dreams are usually important. Some say dreams are our window into other worlds. Others state and I tend to agree, that dreams are a glimpse at what we are put here to do.”
“I see,” was the young man’s only reply.
They entered Captain Parks office and found him leaned back in his desk chair, sleeping.
Nathan called out, “Captain.”
Brandon looked up to see the two enter. He rose to his feet and firmly shook their hands.
“Nathan, old friend,” he said.
“Greetings, Captain Parks,” Nathan replied.
“Hey,” said Jonathan, tired from having to rise so early.
Brandon looked at the boy and mused, “You been practicing your swordsmanship, kid?”
Unlike most others, Brandon learned long ago to look past the odd mask and see Jonathan as kind-hearted young man. As a favor to Nathan, he'd even taught him to use a sword. Nathan was afraid that Jonathan might run into trouble one day, because of the mask.
“Some,” was Jonathan’s meek reply.
“Is that right?” Brandon said, nicely. “Okay then, let’s test you out, since we have time.”
“I beg your pardon?” was Jonathan’s reply.
“The spirits only know what we’re up against. Let's see what you got."
“Alright...”
“Well, draw your sword then,” Brandon ordered.
Jonathan slowly drew his sword, staring incredulously at the captain. Brandon unsheathed his own sword and took a fighting stance.
Brandon counted, “1.... 2.... 3!”
Jonathan swung his sword hard as Brandon attacked and their swords met. They dueled briefly, but Jonathan was quickly overtaken. Brandon laughed, heartilly.
"Not bad, kid. Not bad at all."
“I believe it is time for our departure,” Nathan interupted, looking at the clock.
Jonathan started toward the door. “Okay. Let’s get going then, shall-” Brandon grabbed his arm.
”Wait a minute. Did they tell you about our guide?”
“Just that she was a priestess of some sort.”
Brandon took a deep breath. “I should warn you, then. The priestess, she’s.. Umm....”
“What? What is it, Brandon?” Nathan asked, impatiently.
Brandon glanced about, nervously. “She’s a T’Minian. A mage.”
Nathan nodded, knowingly. This was understandable. Only a T’Minian would be able to lead them to the Star. He also understood Brandon’s fears. The entire squad could easily be wiped out by this one woman.
Nathan replied, “Well, we’ll have to take extra precautions, won’t we?”
“But Nathan, she could easily-” Nathan cut him off.
“I know what she can do,” he said. “But there is nothing we can do. An order is an order. Now, let’s go.”
Brandon swallowed hard. He knew what the monk said was true. All they could do was follow the orders that they were given. He took a deep breath and followed Nathan and Jonathan out the door.
Okay, Chapter One is out of the way. Sorry for the very brief intro for Hana. She'll get more of a spotlight in Chapter Two. |
Last edited by Winter Nights : 07.09.04 at 00:28:26.
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Damn nice, really damn nice. I enjoyed reading that from start to finish, it's a great story and I have no critisizms to make for now. I can't wait to see Chapter 2 and hear more about the priestess Hana.
Keep up the good work. |
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Ah much better. Something to read.
Your ZR is being created....now....
EDIT: Zemitra Report Done!! Read it on the sticky thread! |
Last edited by GimitroZemitra : 05.23.04 at 17:20:49.
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Thanks to GZ for the great criticism. I went back and reworked the Prologue and the first chapter. Even found new ways to make certain scenes work. Still not happy with the Brandon/Jonathan scene, but it will do. Sword fighting works better than arm-wrestling anyway. Added a bit more description to Brandon, but not too much. While he is a main character, he's not that key to the plot. I will expand some on his character and background, but I will prolly focus more on the more key characters. I completely redid the Kurai/Nathan/Jonathan scene to make more sense. As I mentioned in the first post, the first two chapeters are rewrites, but I got lazy and just cut out parts that didin't make sense without fixing the other parts to mesh with the new plotline. That stood out in that scene, in particular. In the original draft, Kurai was there to see Jonathan, not Nathan. He wanted to win Jonathan's allegiance, because he knew who Jonathan was. But, I decided that I didn't want Kurai to know Jonathan's lineage, so I just altered the scene to have Kurai visit Nathan. Obviously, that didn't work weused your criticism to adjust some scenes I was working on for chapter two. Hopefully, you'll enjoy the flow more with this chapter. What to say about it? Ummm... A little more look into Hana's role in the story. A slight more detailed look at Jonathan's role, though still not really saying anything at all. Plus, a look into Jonathan's feelings and inner demons with the whole situation. Finally, a short scene expanding on Brandon and Jonathan's new friendship. Hope you enjoy this new chapter.
TWO
Dear spirits, I hope we don’t regret this, Jonathan thought, when he saw Hana. She could easily kill us all, if she saw fit to.
Like all humans, Jonathan feared the T’Minians and their magic. He had heard stories of their fierce temper and the destructive wrath their magic could inflict. He had always wished never to have to deal with one. But yet, here was one before them, waiting to be their guide.
But when she turned to looked at them, he didn’t think of the dangers. His only thought was what a beautiful creature she was. He couldn’t imagine how such horrible destruction could come from something so lovely.
Someone, he corrected himself. After all, despite the differences of her race, she was a person. Maybe this wouldn’t be so bad. But then he noticed her black eyes. They gave off a distinct impression of hatred. A cold chill went up his spine.
“Let’s get something straight, Captain Parks,” she snapped out at Brandon, “I don’t want to be here among you... humans, any more then you want me here. Let’s just get on our way, so I can go home.”
Brandon calmly replied, “Look, I don’t want there to be any bad feelings, so-”
“It’s too late for that, human! Your bastard soldiers drug me away from my home, to lead you to something you were never meant to have! And you don’t want me to have bad feelings?” She spat on his boot.
Brandon sighed. This wasn’t going to be easy. He tried to reason with her. “Look, I know nothing about all that-”
“Ha!! Lies!! You really expect me to believe a human pig, like you?” she scoffed. She turned and saw Jonathan standing there. “And what’s with the guy with the stupid mask?”
“To hide a birth defect, I’m told,” was the Jonathan's meek reply.
Hana stopped. They couldn’t have... Could they? How could they have known? She noticed Nathan. I see now. A monk with a big mouth. Surely, he knows better. She suddenly grabbed Jonathan’s head and looked through the mask and into his eyes. She gasped and pushed him away. She looked at him, then at Brandon, but the anger was gone from her eyes. Now they were filled with shock and confusion. “And did your parents have the same... defect?”
“I- I have no idea," Jonathan stuttered, surprised by Hana's actions, "I’m an orphan. The monks here raised me. And none of them know where I came from or who my parents are.”
“Heh. Well, that explains why you were chosen for this outing.” She chuckled.
“Wait,” Jonathan said. “What does that mean? What do you know?”
Hana just chuckled again. He grabbed her robes. “What do you know?” he asked, half begging.
Suddenly, she was angry again and before Brandon could pull him away, she blew Jonathan across the courtyard with her power.
“It would be wise to keep your hands off me.” She turned and walked to the courtyard where the men were waiting to depart. Brandon helped Jonathan up and they followed her.
“What are we getting into, Brandon?” Jonathan asked.
“I don’t know, kid. I don’t know.”
When they reached the courtyard, Brandon, Nathan, and Jonathan mounted their horses. Hana climbed into one of the wagons and sat next to the driver, who was very nervous of her presence. He pulled slightly on the reigns of the two horses pulling the wagon and they started off for the land of Batos.
Hana thought carefully as she rode the wagon. They can’t reach Batos. Kurai can’t have the Star. I won’t allow it. But, why didn’t he mention the boy... Surely that would have been a vital thing to mention. Unless... She stole another glance at Nathan. He doesnt know. She looked over at Jonathan. When the time comes, which side will you choose? Will you accept your birthright?
* * * *
Jonathan lay his head back against the tree and sighed. They had been traveling for two days now and wouldn’t reach Batos for several more nights. He looked down from the branch he was laying on and scanned the camp below. Everything was calm and peaceful.
“Uneventful,” he said to himself. He had to admit that this mission, even with it’s high priority, was quite boring. It could have easily been done by a smaller squad. Jonathan figured Brandon felt the same way. He was probably used to being called in for the most dangerous missions. But this squad hadn’t even encountered basic thieves. Jonathan wondered why such a huge party was called in for such a mission.
He let his mind wander back to his dream. It was becoming more frequent as the days go by. He woke up from it twice last night, only to have it again before finally waking up in the morning. He was quite sure this “Star” had something to do with it. What could it be, though? He wasn’t sure he quite cared to know. He just wanted the dreams to end. Jonathan yawned. Troubled as he was, he needed rest. He rolled over and slept.
* * * *
In the camp below, Hana joined Brandon by the fire. Brandon looked at the mage, nervously, then quickly looked away. Hana noticed this.
“You trust me about as much as I trust you,” she smirked.
“I guess so.”
She looked up into the trees at Jonathan’s sleeping body. “Does he always sleep in the trees?”
Brandon gaze followed hers to the motionless captain above. “I dunno, I guess he enjoys heights. He’s slept like that every night of this trip. Seems to embrace it almost.” Brandon shuddered. “Don’t know how he could do it. Heights give me the creeps.”
“Maybe it’s the thrill of the danger,” was Hana’s reply, though Brandon could tell by the expression on her face that she knew otherwise.
“What do you know that you’re not telling?” he asked.
“I’ll tell you this. Despite what your Prince believes, two factors are needed for your squad to retrieve the Star of Eternity. I am the one he knows about. The other seems to be here of pure coincidence, though I doubt fate could be so cruel.”
“And the other one is...”
“He will be our savior from a great evil. Or he will be the weapon of that same evil.” She looked at Brandon and for the first time, Brandon saw emotion her black eyes, other than anger. He saw worry and despair. Suddenly, she stood up. “Well, I think I’ll retire now. Don’t tell anyone what we’ve discussed.” Brandon watched her as she entered her tent. He leaned back against a log. What the hell was that about? he thought as he drifted off to sleep.
* * * *
Brandon was awoken by movement around him. He jumped up and took and instinctive battle stance. But no one was around. Then he heard it. In the bushes. In a mad dash, he pulled out his pistol and jumped into the bushes. What he saw was quite unexpected.
He came upon Jonathan bent over beside a tree. He was vomitting.
“Kid, you alright?” he asked, concerned.
Jonathan jumped and turned to see a bewildered Brandon.
“N-Nothing. Just feeling a little ill” was his reply.
“Nothing? You just puked up everything we ate all day.”
“It’s kind of a personal problem.”
“You can talk to me, if ya want.”
“I dunno. It may be hard understand.”
“Try me.”
Jonathan looked at Brandon. He felt he could trust the older man. Plus, he longed to tell someone. Anyone. About the angel, about the demon, aboutwatching the universe come into form. More importantly, about the unicorn that called him the “guardian of the stars”. Jonathan sighed.
"It's nothing," he said. "Trust me."
Brandon said, “If there's something bothering you, you should tell someone. That's the only way to find out what's truly the matter.”
Jonathan smiled sadly, “What if I really don’t want to know?”
“What do you mean?”
I mean, as much as I hate this mask, this is all I know. What if learning who I am, destroys everything I had hoped I might be.
"Nothing. I'm... just really tired," he lied.
"You sure?"
"Absolutely."
Brandon stared at him for a moment, then smiled. "Okay, but I’m here to help, if you need me.”
Jonathan forced a smile. “Thanks, Brandon.”
“No problem, kid.”
Brandon patted Jonathan’s shoulder walked back to his post, by the fire. Jonathan climbed back to spot in the tree. It was good to have a friend. He would probably talk tell him the truth. Not right now, though. He didn't feel ready. Jonathan wondered when he would be.
There, I hope this chapter proves to be a good one. As always, I want some real criticism. Saying you have no criticism doesn't cut it, ZeminkoX. If you find fault, I want to know about it, so I can find a way to fix it. I can't make this story worth reading, if everyone pretends it's perfect, now can I? |
Last edited by Winter Nights : 07.09.04 at 00:48:56.
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