Never knew I wrote poetry? During the Fall semester, I decided to take a course named as 'Creative Writing'. Little did I know, this dreaded class of mine helped me discover a talent of mine in poetry.
Addicted To Love was written on November 4, 2003 and later edited to become final drafted on November 17, 2003. The poem was based off a recent breakup between me and this girl who I believed was 'the one'.
Your name emerges like a shining star.
Discovering you in my heart from afar.
But my love outweighs a feeling so true.
To you’re my everything, and to that, I do.
I remember your stunning blonde hair.
Especially when you would suddenly disappear.
I glanced at you and you glanced at me.
As my heart melted yet felt such glee.
You mean the world to me, so truly bright.
As I sleep with your affection every night.
The name that truly labels you.
Represents the eternal beauty in the color blue.
For I am sick without your attendance.
I pray your heart feels my dependence.
A stallion without strength becomes addicted.
As I fear what can be predicted.
Mesmerized in your beautiful eyes.
With the hint of my shy disguise.
Taking score of this endless trance.
Hoping to live my life in your romance.
An attempt fails to be revealed.
Because I love you yet it’s forever concealed.
I lay upon my bed late tonight.
Dreaming of your face in the candle light.
Silence is my words in your appearance.
As I try to find my perseverance.
Words and thoughts become combined with nonsense.
When I slowly fade into a silent suspense.
Pondering how we can be together.
Watching the dark, cloudy, and rainy midnight weather.
It tears me apart knowing this may not work in the end.
While everything becomes too hard to comprehend.
Spilling out words addressed from me to you.
While I’m blind and without a clue.
Too young to know what love can truly be.
When I thought that what we had was a guarantee.
Closing the doors and leaving for life.
When just a few weeks ago I thought you’d be my future wife.
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Comment at your will. Thanks for your reading.
For I am sick without your attendance.
I pray your heart feels my dependence.
On a personal note here, chicks usually don't dig needy guys... xD
Quote:
A stallion without strength becomes addicted.
I do not understand, explain... Addicted to what? Usually things get addictive if they have it, so you can't be talking about strength
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Those are problems I just found that I could address individually, now as a whole, what I think of this poem is that although it must have taken a massive amount of time to rhyme everything, it didn't come out perfectly because of it. In fact, the scheme bugs me to a fault, mainly because of the beat... I found it hard to read without stopping and starting, trying to find the right beat for each line...
But I hate examining poetry in terms such as the above, I like to see the heart of the poem. This, is yet another one of the classics "I love you without even knowing you" type poems which can be traced back even before the famous comedy of Shaksphere's, that one called "Romeo & Juliet". This is just a personal thing, but I hate these kind of poems. Not that they're too mushy or anything, its just that its so damn cliche... Some people hate cliches, I do... So don't feel bad for that aspect of the poem, but to nit pick, I find another flaw in the general plot. Its not constant. Although you do begin with yer first encounter, or what I can only presume is your first encounter, and it ends with your last, everything in between is rather confusing. You'll have a part about what you're doing, then suddenly a part about how she looks. It's not bad, but it's annoying, but once again, opinion differs...
And hell i'm no pro at rating poetry... So feel free to ignore what i've said...
First and foremost, thanks for your constructive criticism, however I must comment on your comment. (how ironic)
The girl I believed was 'the one' was a girl who I knew a lot of about, after dating for nearly 8 months. I wasn't one of those 'I love you without knowing you' deals. I knew a lot about her as she's a good friend of a friend of mine, and we always see each other.
I'd also like to say that although the poem was shuffled plot-wise, it was written over a 2 week period. Throughout the 2 week period, different emotions took place so I included them within the poem. The full edits and additions to the poem can be found here: http://forums.ffdiscovery.com/showpo...31&postcount=1
For the grammatical errors, they're reasonable for poetry. Look over Shakespeare and review his odd method of English. Although many phrases don't make sense in common English, the meaning is still there.
Furthermore, the lines "For I am sick without.. my dependence." I'm well aware that dependence isn't something a girl would like, however the meaning is explained as "I am sick without you here, I hope you know how weak I am without you". It's a romantic, not a gothic poem.
"A stallion without strength becomes addicted" means "Someone typically very strong loses strength and becomes addicted to love".
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