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View Poll Results: Is this ZR post useful?
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Yes
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72.73% |
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No.
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There should be RP prizes.
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13.64% |
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Shrug
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4.55% |
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The Zemitra Report v. FFR
05.24.03, 14:13:11
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Post #1 (permalink) |
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Welcome to the Official
'Zemitra Report'
Version: Final Fantasy Republic
INTRODUCTION (FOR EVERYONE)
For those who are unfamiliar with me, Gimtro Zemitra (which may be all now after a year), and my review system then below is the rules on how it works.
If you're wondering about my qualifications well I got an A in A-level English Language in Britain and I am a budding author myself....might mean jack to some of you though. Incidentally, I am currently doing a Chemistry degree at Sussex University so I'm quite busy.
The idea of the ZR reports came to me sometime in 2002, when it was virtually impossible to get decent feedback on a fan fic around here. There were so many ignorant people saying "THIS IS TOO LONG" and "THIS IS COOL" and others I won't repeat that I thought I'd try to do something about it.
So the 'Zemitra Report' was born. Now it exists on *******.com and FFDistrict. But this is the original.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
HERE'S THE DEAL
Here you will find ALL of the ZR's I have done before and all those I will do! I'll PM people who I have reviewed.
Basically I read the first two posts you make of your story (sorry I can't read the WHOLE thing because it would take me forever, but I will check up on people and awards extra improvement marks). Then I review it in a 'Zemitra Report which will be posted HERE for everyone to see.
You'll then be added to the index list so people can find your story.
The reviews from now consist of marks for:
PLOT (EXPOSITION)
CHARACTERISATION
IMAGINATION & CREATIVITY
and STYLE (inc. SPELLING & GRAMMAR).
Each is out of 10
I'll try to be objective and not mark you too harshly if I can, but someone has to be bottom of the list. Of course you may want that.
At the end of each review there will be two overall grades:
(1) THE CHOCOBO'S CHOICE GRADE  - Marked out of five and is based on enjoyability and creativeness. Stories with high scores may not be well written, but are still good works.
(2) THE AURON WRITERS GRADE  - Marked out of ten this is the average grade obtained from the four marking criteria. It is my more professional grade and is based on the imagination and technical merits of the peace.
Requests for ZR's can be made here and via PM's. Please don't PM me the story just the link.
I will attempt to do these reviews a lot more and help the community.
If too many requests are made for ZR's than I can do they will have to be turned down until a later date (I have a heavy workload you know...).
ALSO if you want any advice on writing or if you want to 'discuss' your ZR mark I will be happy to listen. Just PM me.
ONE RULE TO RING THEM ALL....
You MUST space out your work.
Leave a LINE AFTER EACH PARAGRAPH.
Start a NEW PARAGRAPH WHEN SOMEONE IS SPEAKING.
Trust me you'll get better marks.
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ZEMITRA'S TOP RATED FICTIONS AND FICTION WRITERS
REPUBLIC HARBOUR
There will be more lists as I gradually build up such as: Best Characters, Best Style, Best Writer, Best Plot etc. These will be voted for by you as well as I make separate poll posts to supplement this ZR post.
ZEMITRA'S CURRENT INDEX LISTS
FICTION OVERALL
1. Angel Tears - 5.0 | 9.3
2. A Time for Everything - 4.5 | 9.0
3. The Six - 4.0 | 8.6
4. The Fargon Adventure - 4.0 | 8.2
5. Pursuit for Devotion - 4.0 | 7.9
6. A game of swords - 3.5 | 7.5
7. The Greatest Gift - 3.5 | 7.1
8. Love/Hate - 3.5 | 6.7
9. Final Fantasy X-3 - 3.0 | 5.9
10. One-shot - 2.0 | 5.9
11. Story in Progress - 3.0 | 5.8
12. The Star of Eternity - 3.0| 5.6
13. Kamiya Dojo Insomniacs - 2.0 | 5.3
14. A Squirrel's Tail - 3.0 | 5.2
15. Marry me - 2.0 | 4.3
16.
FICTION WRITERS
Key:The two numbers represent the number of fictions by the writer reviewed by me and the average score they received.
The author need to have more than one fic to get on this one.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.
FINAL FANTASY FICTION
1. A Time for Everything - 4.5 | 9.0
2. Pursuit for Devotion - 4.0 | 7.9
3. The Greatest Gift - 3.5 | 7.1
4. Love/Hate - 3.5 | 6.7
5. Final Fantasy X-3 - 3.0 | 5.9
6. Marry Me - 2.0|4.3
7. -
8. -
9. -
10. -
ORIGINAL FICTION
1. Angel Tears - 5.0 | 9.3
2. The Six - 4.0 | 8.6
3. The Fargon Adventure - 4.0 | 8.2
4. A game of swords - 3.5 | 7.5
5. One-shot - 2.0 | 5.9
6. Story in Progress - 3.0 | 5.8
7. The Star of Eternity - 3.0 | 5.6
8. Kamiya Dojo Insomniacs - 2.0 | 5.3
9. A Squirrel's Tail - 3.0 | 5.2
10.
11.
There will be more lists, and new 2004 stories are now appearing.
NOTE: I HAVE FOUND LINKS TO SOME OF THE OLDER STORIES IN THE BACK CATALOGUE. I MAY DO VERY BRIEF ZR's OF SOME OF THE OLD CLASSICS THAT I NEVER REVIEWED. I'LL PM ANYONE'S I DO. |
Last edited by GimitroZemitra : 06.05.06 at 05:11:59.
Reason: New Information!
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Old Reports
05.24.03, 14:24:29
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Post #2 (permalink) |
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These are the old reports written so far...or those I can find.
The links are broken!! I will try to tidy all this up in time, but for now just go to PAGE 2!!!
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The Greatest Gift by Chibi Squall
The Zemitra Report:
Chibi Squall is back again for another fic. This is a rough draft as a teacher would call it apparently...and who's the teacher here then......don't look at me like that.
A short list of errors :
Quote:
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Once upon a time, on a world that exist only in the vast space of ideation; but can only by found in the many words of a book, lay a boy.
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Let's just see what wrong with this sentence...'in' not ''on', 'exists' not 'exist' and do not repeat 'only' or put 'but' and what's 'ideation'...Consider rephrasing Chibi.
Tenses
Keep in Past tense. Remember not to stray into present. (e.g. use 'was' NOT 'is')
Confusion here. This means something slightly different to what you were getting at. Try iniquity or transgression or offense.
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'The people made this judgment though, not by the boy. '
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Just 'not the boy' will suffice. Plus you might want to stop the over reliance on 'the boy' which could become repetitive.
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'As all of this is happening, people on the outskirts yonder of this town are gaining knowledge of this fortunate event...'
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Slipped into present again...sorry.
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'We REGRET to inform you that YOUR PARENTS PASSED AWAY this morning...'
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To make your policeman's speech even more effective you should actually leave out the uncapitalised words. Let us hear it as your character does. Adds realism.
Use 'seventeen'. It's just usual practice.
Oops. That is porch's as in the possessive plural not the other one.
I could go on with these, but I think I've given you some to start on...Oh one more then....SPACING! Just put a space after every paragraph and everytime someone new speaks and hey-presto! It's much better to read and user-friendly.
Zemitra's ratings:
Characters:
Quatra...often referred to as 'the boy' is the most developed character, although his inner thought process it not entirely shown there is a good attempt at his mixture of grief and sorrow etc. when his parents die. Yet he does seem to accept his destiny a little easily and his abilites seem amazingly developed. This could all be due to the length of the story in which you have squeezed in a lot.
The sheriff is well done and does what sheriff do.
Quatra's parents who come back as Angels seem to have become amazingly wise and all knowing people. This seems to be the norm for Angels so I guess that they are as good as you can get.
The evil forces that appear are pretty standard evil fiends and there is no harm in that. The 'Angel Hunters' are interesting foes. What's with the twitching one eh?
Rating - 3.5/5
Plot:
The tale of 'the boy' starts off pretty standard with the telling of his whole life story and that of the surrounding area. It's a history lesson. Might have been better to work this in and add some depth, but it's up to you.
Then his apparently good, but not so good parents die and the sheriff arrives. They have a little adventure almost by themselves, while 'the boy' thinks about things.
Then we learn certain people are evil, that angels exist and the boy is called Quatra.
"Quatra... Wow... I didn't think I would ever hear my name again..."
My thoughts exactly.
Then we have a whole history of 'Dark Angels' which is actually quite imaginative. I like that idea! Then...I could go on, but I'll let you guys read it yourselves. It is very exciting, if not a little quick.
If you've seen X-Men 2 or an advanced preview of the Matrix Reloaded you'll know what I mean when I say that Chibi is perhaps trying to squeeze every last pea in the world into a small pod.
Yet this was a rough draft and a bit of fun so marks up for that!!!
Rating - 4/5
Style
Despite tense mistakes, a few grammar problems and the whole spacing issue which has dogged Chibi this is in general a good piece of work which I am far too critical of. Then again I'm harsh... I am a canine you know.....
Rating 3/5
Overall Rating
:Chocobo:
3.5 out of five chocobos prefer "The Greatest Gift" to one of those Christmas jumpers knitted by your granny...although it's the thought that counts...
Overall:
7.1/10
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The Six by Chaos Lt.
The Zemitra Report:
Hey. First off....this took me hours to read. It was worth it, because it is a great tale. I like Novella's and I'm glad you want people to read and criticise. I'm the same with my story Final Fantasy: Beyond Eternity. As one novella person to another it is an honour to review this work.
However, due to length this report could get overly long, so I'm not going to do an exhaustive break down of all the errors. Aren't you lucky?
A short list of major corrections :
Generally spelling is good , but a recheck wouldn't hurt as you do sometimes leave off letters and use 'there' instead of 'their' etc.
Spacing is a key issue! Please put a space between each paragraph. Don't use cutting an pasting as an excuse! It makes it easier to read. Don't worry your not the only one who doesn't do this.
Repetition of 'her', 'she', 'he' and 'him'. This gets better as it goes on.
There are some clumsy sentences, which are too long, but other than that grammar is good. As I would expect.
Stay in your tense and as said by others:
They were referring to the coughing thing. I think you've fixed that mostly.
Zemitra's ratings:
Characters/characterisation:
This is great! The characters especially Seth Harbinger are well worked into giving them individuality and making them interesting. The speech is superb, most of it is perfectly life-like and the humour is as sharp as a wolf's fangs. This just cracked me up I don't know why, but Seth was:
Ha ha ha! Ahem.
Yet I agree with earlier interpretation that Seth does not reflect inwardly enough for someone who is a loner, even by choice. I suppose being a loner doesn't mean you have to do a lot of thinking on your own, but it helps rather than shouting things out loud.
Tends to attract attention....
However, as it goes on there are examples of more thinking later on. His development does become a little predictable though...
Other characters such as Julia are not as well worked as the lead character, although they are still interesting. The overall romance however, is a little stale...needs more emphasis...and I agree with Maester R's earlier comments.The fact that they didn't have sex in that early chapter is made obivious by you and actually it becomes fairly funny.
Alysa seems to be mostly a comic devise, which is good, but sometimes the comedy is over done.
The Baron is suitably evil if not unoriginal.
Derek is not the guy to like, but his character does develop better than some.
Anyway I've said enough on that....
Rating - 4/5
Plot/exposition:
Yes....the plot is quite familiar...It does have some originality, but this union of 'the Six' reminds me of something I can't quite put my paw on.
The use of binary oppositions is a little bland (good and evil), there very little grey and I like grey.
Starting off in Seth's own world (ours) and travelling to this one has given some interesting results although the differences between worlds are not emphasised enough. Although there are some good jokes at our worlds expense. To me it seems like there was no difficulty in Seth going from one to the other. It seemed routine.
The chaos demon thing...nice...the story becomes far more serious and very LOTRish in the newest sectors. The humour is sometimes a little unwanted in the more action orientated segments.
Just one thing:
Quote:
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"SPARTICUS?! TWO TOWERS?!”
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Do the other characters even know what these things are?! Did I miss anything along the way during my madness of reading this is one go. Do they all come from the same world? Did Seth not travel from Earth to this place or did I just imagine that? The other characters reaction seems to be that they know what Seth is on about.
Overall, the story is less of a driving point than that actually characters interaction. Some of the places are too much like those in Final Fantasy and other things...ahem....
Rating - 3/5
Style
Just a short comment here.
Your battle descriptions are good as is your describing of what is actually going on. However, your description of the surroundings is very slight in places creating a bland world.
Talking should not dominate the entire proceedings. Most of your chapters are speech, you need to balance this with description.
Other than that this is a very strong style of writing.
Rating 4/5
Overall Rating
4 out of five chocobos prefer 'The Six' to 'the five' , the four', the three'....
Overall: 8.6 / 10
NOTE: Having re-read this I now understand that the characters all come from the same planet, Earth.
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Last edited by GimitroZemitra : 01.04.04 at 12:36:04.
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More Old reports
05.25.03, 05:01:40
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Post #3 (permalink) |
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The Fargon Adventure by Oblivion Six
The Zemitra Report:
This story opens with the death of a fox and some cyborgs...sounds surreal...
Finally, a story I can sink my fangs into and write a 'Zemitra Report' on. You don't give yourself enough credit Comrade Crowley, this is very good. Being a resident reviewer on several sites I hope that means something. If not then...(shruggs)
Anyway...
A short list of errors :
First off...Green? Okay its your story, at least it isn't blue or red because I hate people who put stories in blue or red.
Quote:
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'The sea gales came in with the tide, a refreshing coolness wiped over Fargon’s face.'
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Perhaps the word 'causing' (or something similar) after 'tide' might be appropriate. Then again thats just me being picky.
You should put spaces between paragraphs for ease of reading and also put leave a space everytime someone speaks anew. I may make the whole thing look a lot longer, but it will be easier to read.
Quote:
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'exact same spot as the cannon shell has landed on'
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This should be past tense, not present. Stay in the same tense throughout your writing.
You should use words not numbers.
You don't fully explain what this is. You seem to assume that we know what this means then explain it later. Explaining it first in breif terms may be better, before launching into a full assualt.
A little colloquial for the situation. A posse is usually a more friendly group.
Quote:
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'yet it had made almost close to no sound'
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Removal of 'close to' would be better.
Quote:
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'Fargon knew that as soon as he trusted them that he would be as dead as the fox they had killed earlier was.'
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Omit the second 'that' in this sentence and it'll be great.
Quote:
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'The fireball shot out of Fargon’s hand, it left trails of smoke as it traveled across the air. '
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It would be 'a fireball' at first. In addition you might consider using this instead:
'A fireball shot out of Fargon's hand, leaving trails of smoke as it sliced through the air.'
Technically you cannot go across air, only through it. It's not the same as walking across a room.
Quote:
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'The stench was horrid, charred flesh and smoked metal was not a very appealing smell. '
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You already under metal and flesh in your last sentence. The comment on the smell should be enough on its own.
Interesting...
You might do well putting thoughts in italics as it will make them more obvious to the reader and won't make your hero appear like he's mad.
Quote:
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'Fargon nodded, he had told the abbot of them before, yet never shown them to him.'
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You seem to have contridicted yourself here. Didn't Fargon say that the abbot would know why 'this is so.' earlier? Surely Fargon would have more knowledge of such things if the abbot has not actually seen one of these boom tubes before?
Quote:
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' "Well said!" said the abbot...'
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Using 'cried' would be better than repeating 'said'.
Zemitra's ratings:
Characters/characterisation:
Fargon is obviously the most well developed character as the lead and the abbot is also worked through. Yet both lack something special in their character, something to make them special or individual. Fargon seems without fear and accepts his fate readily without any hesistation, this may of course just be your characters way of doing things but its seems a little false to me.
Rating - 3/5
Plot/exposition:
This is only the beginning "A new chapter opens, as an old one closes" to quote Fargon. The concept is interesting if not underdeveloped. The quest begins very quickly and it might have been better to draw it out a little longer. However, sometimes if your aiming for a shorter story its good to just jump right in.
Rating - 3.5/5
Style
Apart from spacing inssues this is good. Spelling is largely accurate as is the grammar. Some of it is a little simplistic, but I don't know your age or English experience so I can't judge on that. Overall its a successful story.
Rating 4/5
Overall Rating
4 out of five chocobos prefer 'The Fargon Adventure' to 'The Adventure of the carrot people in Zimbazoo' (it's a real book!)
Overall: 8.2 / 10
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A game of Swords by Silent Sequence
The Zemitra Report
First things first....spacing out your work is a big help to ANY reader. It makes your work look far more friendly and inviting to read and it's easier on the eyes...you know less strain. Other than that this looks very promising.
Here is my usual gripes:
A short list of errors :
There is some over use of 'he' at the beginning. Consider revising to avoid repetition. In additon, the sentences are too short and some need not be separate sentences. Don't be afraid to make long syntactical points.
Quote:
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'Some eyes purple and a mass of flesh missing around it, other blue or red'
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Eh? Is that suppose to say 'Some eyes were purple with masses of flesh missing around them, whislt others were blue, even red.' Your sentence makes no sense.
Quote:
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'He held it in, it felt like a full stomach of rotting meat that wouldn't digest. He walks not knowing where he is going. He continues on until he reaches the gates of the castle.'
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There's that darn 'he' again. There are many ways of refering to people if you don't know their name, or even if you do. How about using 'the man' or 'the figure' or 'the person'. Just mix it up a little (although you do later keep using 'the man' too much.)
However, do not mix up your past and present tense. Pick a tense and stick to it.
Quote:
'He held it in, it felt...' = Past tense
'He walks....he continues...' = Present tense
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Quote:
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'He was pale, but full faced a broad.'
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Explain? What's that suppose to mean....(scratches head)
Spelling error?
"All of your talking SilentSequence"
Please... You can put the writing in bold, because that's fine. However, please start a new line when you start speech with a new person. It make it much easier to follow and that's how all writers in books do it.
One word...Dictionary.
Quote:
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'The year of Draken was a done...'
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We-a come-a from-a Italy now-a huh? Sorry.... You just need to remove the 'a', although 'was held' might actually be better than 'was done'.
Quote:
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'The Elder grabbed his chest, acting out the motion of the sword entering his chest.'
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No need to have 'chest' again, because you're just doubling up the object of the sentence. Consider:
'The Elder grabbed his chest, acting out the motion of the sword as it entered the heroic warrior'
Or something else more to your liking.
The second chapter is mainly past tense, but then for no apparent reason you slip back into present tense for the third. Decide on which.
Quote:
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'Jon would always be looking at the stones. Captivated like a hungry wolf.'
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Make this one sentence. The second part is only a minor sentence on its own and thus not effective.
Zemitra's ratings:
Characters/Characterisation:
Characters are interesting (Tran, Shan 'alar, Mat, Doc and Jon) although they lack some....punch. Don't get me wrong, but there isn't anything that makes them stand out just yet. I'm sure that will develop. Doc seems very much like Gandalf from LOTR to me though....don't know why....
Rating - 3/5
Plot/exposition:
As with all my reports, it is early days in the story. However, there is quite a lot of material here and the story is set up well and is obviously in for some interesting developments. There is, as I said, this LOTR element that seems familiar, but that can be a good thing.
Rating - 4/5
Style:
Spelling is generally good and the whole thing is understandable. However, the sentences are often clumsy and too short, although this does improve as it goes on. Layout seriously needs to be addressed.
Rating 3.5/5
Overall Rating
4.5 out of five chocobos prefer 'A game of Swords' to a game of chocobo 'Hot and Cold'. Wark!
Overall: 7.8 / 10
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A time for everything by Maester R. (Maleficent Rue)
The Zemitra Report:
Maester R. Is an excellent writer, so pay attention now kids and you might learn something. A nice change of pace from 'Cold Morning Breeze' and a good FFVIII fic. This is obviously the start so I can only make a judgement based on what I've seen so far.
Anyway, without further a do:
A short list of errors :
Swallowed any good dictionaries recently? Lol. Sorry I haven't seen that word in one hell of a long time. It's an over the top latinate word and may be too formal. Up to you but....
Basically you could have used louder, or clamourous.
Not every reader of these fics is going to have taken English to a high level, so you don't want to alienate anyone.
Quote:
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She was dazed, angry, frustrated, and mystified
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Sometimes I find that a great listing of emotion doesn't 'feel' right. If you'll excuse the pun.
Quote:
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'So persistent that she wasn’t sleeping right, as if she was seeing something to happen, or something was warning her, or maybe she was just paranoid.'
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Perhaps there are too many 'or's' in here. Also, 'seeing something to happen' would probably be better with a 'yet' in there.
Consider:
'So persistent that she wasn’t sleeping right, as if she was seeing something yet to happen or something attempting to warn her. Perhaps she was just paranoid.'
Quote:
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'The floors of her bedroom were of wood'
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Hmmm. Multiple floors? Perhaps 'floor' singular (with was and not were) and made in there. Or you could keep that, please disagree with me.
Quote:
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'It was a black coat with a different...'
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Maybe 'of' and not 'with' or even 'made with' or 'made of'.
If you can use one word, do it. However, sometimes two make more sense.
Quote:
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'magniloquent' & 'pulchritudinous'
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What did I say about that dictionary? You can keep these if you want, but even I don't know what the second one is. I'll just check......[walks off, tail wagging and grabs a dictionary. He flicks through the pages, making thoughtful noises and then returns with the book in tow.]
Oh. Right! The second one means beauty...kind of guessed that. 'Beautiful' might appeal to the casual reader.
Oh and Magniloquent...in a lofty style? Usually refers to the way people speak, but it works just as well here. Gives the building character.
That's all of my quibbs....I'm so harsh. I'm ashamed of myself to tell the truth, but one must make proper criticism. I'm a bit of a Gollum character...I can be so nice and innocent, yet so evil...
Zemitra's ratings:
Characters:
Excellent characterisation. Ellone is a real person, who is totally believeable. That was, after all, one of Square's goals when they made FFVIII - too make the characters more realistic. Emotions are expressed well, with minor exception (see above).
Obviously we have yet to see anyone else, so it is difficult to give a 5 for this. Raleigh sounds interesting (nice name) though.
Rating - 4/5
Plot:
Again, it's early days, but we have already begun to see development. Dreams are always a part of FF so that's pretty typical. The exposition is well executed.
Rating - 4/5
Style
Very few mistakes on grammar or spelling (I haven't noticed any in fact). The writing is fluid and brilliantly expressed. Obviously some words suit an older, more mature audience, but that doesn't detract from the reading pleasure.
Rating 5/5
Overall Rating
4.5 out of five chocobos prefer 'A time for everything' to 'A time for scratching around the yard'. Wark!
Overall: 9.0 / 10
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Story in Progress by Mourning Dove
The Zemitra Report:
This is an interesting little story because it's got nothing to do with FF or any of the other usual subjects on this board.
Although here is a short list of errors I found:
Quote:
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Though she was an average student, she was currently failing her history class.
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Usually we don't start sentences with 'though'. 'Although' is better or 'However' and 'despite'.
should be one word 'throughout'
'Lit' is the past tense of the irregular verb 'to light'. There is also the regular version, which you've used. It is confusing isn't it?
There are a few more, but I'm not too bothered today to show them all.
Zemitra's ratings:
Characters:
There is very little characterisation. The people are a little stereotypical. I do that sometimes so I forgive you. The introduction of Liz is interesting, but the quality is not sustained.
Rating - 3/5
Plot:
Well there isn't much, but the mystery is at least a little entertaining. Perhaps like that teachers lessons this is a little too boring. There isn't enough exposition amongst the vast dialogue.
Dialogue doesn't make the story so I suggest you add a little description to break it up.
EDIT!!!! 25/3/03
Due to revisions I am upgrading the plot to a 3. Things are coming together, but chapters are still too short!
Rating - 3/5
Style
There are a few mistakes on Spelling, as you'd expect and I've pointed out a few others. Apart from that there is a little too much dialogue in too little space. Try spacing out a little more. Also the chapter structure is a little unneeded as 1 paragraph does not constiute a 'chapter' (maybe in young children's fiction)
Rating 3/5
Overall Rating
3 out of five chocobos prefer 'Story in Progress' to 'warking' out loud.
Overall: 5.8 / 10
I'm a little too harsh, but I'm review most people's story's so I have to set a standard. I still like this and it is 'IN PROGRESS' so it'll get better.
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Final Fantasy X: Pursuit for Devotion by Lulu
The Zemitra Report
Now that I have played and completed Final Fantasy X I am in a better position to write on this fic, although my opinion largely hasn't changed.
Here's some stuff you could improve on:
Quote:
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He jerked his arm forward in another attempt to free himself from the metal cuffs on his wrists that were connected to a chain that was attached to the wall.
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A Clumsy sentence due to two 'that' clauses. Consider rephrasing it or breaking the sentence into smaller ones.
Quote:
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"This room will fill completely with water in 30 days, you chained to the wall."
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Missing 'with', and it's better to write numbers as words and not in numerals. That's up to you of course.
= clever use of words - very unusual.
There are a few mistakes (such as using 'of' instead of 'on'), but these could easily be corrected and don't detracted from the pleasure of reading.
Zemitra Review Marks:
Characters:
Some nice characterisation, even though I don't know about FF X. Wakka, Rikku and Lulu bring in some great humour. Tidus is interesting. Obviously they are not yet fully developed.
Rating - 4/5
Plot:
Obviously this is the start so the plot has yet to take off. Tidus's predictament is intriguing. Wakka and the others are in a very comic situation it seems.
Rating - 3/5
Style:
Good style, few mistakes. Well done.
Rating - 4.5/5
OVERALL Ratings
4 out of five chocobos prefer Final Fantasy X: Pursuit for Devotion to ordinary greens.
Overall: 7.9 / 10 |
Last edited by GimitroZemitra : 01.04.04 at 12:37:12.
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I praise thee.
This is beautiful. Yerr the best! |
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One day I was taking a walk
On my way, I heard a sponge talk
"If you don't wash the dishes
You'll sleep with the fishes"
But that remark just got him socked
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| Well thank you. I'll have some more reports up on Wednesday |
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