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View Poll Results: how muc hwould you rate it
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10
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9
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8
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3
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2
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1
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Holy Knight of Gaia part 3: A girl named rose
02.22.03, 04:40:00
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Post #1 (permalink) |
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Holy knight of Gaia
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The night had started quiet, but chaos had come without warning. Rose and her family were trying to barricade the doors and windows for the monsters, but to no advance.
Her father turned to her "Rose, get out of here. Take the tunnel and get to the city" her father said anxiously. Rose started to cry "no, I can't" her father turned at her now "You must, you're our only chance to keeping our race alive, Now go"
She started running as fast as she could, through the tunnel to safe grounds, tears dropping from her eyes on the dusty floor of the tunnel.
Proudcloud walked down the road towards Troyes, noticing how quiet it all was even now that monsters ran loose again.
his eyes were still wet of the crying, but somehow the good weather and green hills had changed his mood somewhat.
A while later he sat down near a rock, hungry cus he hadn't been able to get food for a while now, he heard something in the bushes, quiet sounds.
"A monster" he though jumping to his feet. He took out the Holy sword and put it ready to strike at whatever would come out, but nothing did.
He lowered his sword, somewhat amazed at the fact that nothing had attacked him, but still he could hear the sounds. Now it became more clear, it was a girls voice.
He went in and found a young girl lying unconcious on the ground in the green gras.
She moaned, probably because of the pain of a bump on her head, Proudcloud thought. She was cute, Long blonde hair, a verry cute face, he guessed here about 16 yust like him. he reached out his hand and touched her face saying: "Are you OK"
Her eyes slowly opened, and she looked up, noticing Proudcloud. She jumped up and crawled back rapidly away from Proudcloud, she had a frightened look on her face, "Who are you, were am i" she said with a scared voice
Proudcloud smiled "You're in the Troyes valley, and I'm Proudcloud i yust found you here. You might encounter a monster here if you're not carefull" he said.
She stood up with a pain in her head, and started off towards the road. Proudcloud turned "how can she move with those wounds" looking at her "though she's still nice with them" he somewhat thought.
then he shook his head and went after her. "Hey, you better don't walk around here alone, don't you know that monsters have returned to the lands, I can protect you if ya want" The girl turned looking somewhat angry/sad at him "I can take care of myself" she said with an irritated voice
Proudcloud hadn't thought she would get angry bout it, "Shees" he exclaimed looking at her walking off.
He then went back to sit on the rock, thinking bout the encounter. "there was something weird about her, something magical" he thought looking at the blue sky. then his eyes widened, something moved rapidly through the forest in front of him, making it look like a wind went through the trees, but the black shadow moving with it told him the presence of a monster.
He got up and quickly ran in the direction of the girl, unsheating his sword.
The monster jumped out near the girl, It was an Xeter, a green 3 headed and blade armed monster wich moves fast through the trees. It landed near the girl. "Watch out for it's blades" Proudcloud yelled. The girl hadn't even noticed the tall monster landing next to her till a dust cloud came up cus of the landing. She turned around, a scared look came to her face as she saw the blade come her way
She tried to run, stumbling over her foot. The blade hit her on the shoulder making red blood gush out of it. She exclaimed a sick "AĻ" and fell to the ground.
Proudcloud neared the monster, and it turned in his direction, rushing the blade towards him. He managed to jump onto the it, somewhat running over it, then he jumped over the back of the Xeter and stuck the blade in it's back making the top come out the front of the monster. Green blood gushed out and the Xeter fell to the ground, leaving a somewhat sick view of it.
Proudcloud then kneeled next to her turning her towards him, she smiled at him, and next gave him a kiss. "Don't worry about me, i said i could take care of myself" she giggled lightly, as a white ray came from above making the wound on her shoulder close to the same nice skin as before. then she stood up.
Proudcloud was dazzled by what had happened "You can heal yourself??" he said with disbelief in his voice. She nodded "And not only myself" she added with a smile. "Ow yeah, thanks for helping me, i wouldn't have made it without you" she said. "Don't worry bout it" was the answer.
She looked at the sick body of the Xeter and next to it's blades, then she turned back to Proudcloud and asked "Is that guarding offer still pending?" .Proudcloud nodded and smiled
She jumped of joy, and said "I'm Rose, nice to meet you". "I'm Proudcloud, so how come you ended up here" this he was wondering for some time now.
So they both went of towards the city of Troyes, talking about what had happened the last night.
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OOC: hope ya'll like it, i personally think it's my worst ever  |
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Pm me if you'd like me to make ya a sig
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I felt like I returned to 9th Grade English class and Mrs. Brown talk sh.t about me under her breath...Ah this story take me back.
P.S. Read your PM Proud. |
______________________________________
Saizuchi's FFR Exclusive Fan-Fiction Series
--------------------
FFVII: Master of Masamune: I & II | III & IV | V & VI | VII & EX
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FFXI: Skies Above Me: I & II
Current Projects:
Anime Journal -- Launch Date:Opened March 2008
Anime Roleplay -- Launch Date:Opened February 2008
@Combat Core: NG 2nd Edition -- Launch Date: October 2008
Last edited by Saizuchi : 02.22.03 at 05:01:13.
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Huh.....Is that good or bad
I guess good cus you voted 8.....Thx |
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| It's go but I took off some cause I hated miss brown. |
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| heh, nice to know that. but try to make it somewhat clear for me, as this is verry important for me |
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Well I gave this seven. It has potential but it's a little odd in some respects.
For example
Quote:
Her eyes slowly opened, and she looked up, noticing Proudcloud. She jumped up and crawled back rapidly away from Proudcloud, she had a frightened look on her face, "Who are you, were am i" she said with a scared voice
Proudcloud smiled "You're in the Troyes valley, and I'm Proudcloud i yust found you here. You might encounter a monster here if you're not carefull" he said.
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Let's just say that the typo's are obvious ('yust' should be 'just', 'carefull' is 'careful'). You made the common mistake of using were, when you meant to put where.
Your over abundant use of 'she' makes it confusing and also the question 'Who are you? Where am I?' should have question marks.
One final point to make is that when you start someone speaking you should start a new line.
My version would be:
Her eyes slowly opened, and she looked up noticing Proudcloud. Terrified by the stranger, she crawled backwards desperately and attempted to hide herself in the tall grass. A frightened look crossed her small face.
"Who are you? Where am I?" She cried in a trembling tone.
Proudcloud smiled warmly at her and offered her his hand.
"You're in the Troyes valley," he said gently, "My name is Proudcloud and I just found you here. You might encounter a monster if if you're not careful."
But keep at it, and I hope this was useful advice from me. It's not often that I give anything good.
BTW the blue font makes it a little harder to read. |
Last edited by GimitroZemitra : 02.23.03 at 11:34:44.
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Heh....Well it's a good advice and thx for that.
The errors are cus of my being Belgian, English is not a common language here, though i am quite good at it,I'm not really one that uses every rule of English.
You gotta understand, I learned most of it from television, so there might be flaws.
Thx for the advice once more |
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| Oh I apologise that was almost rascist of me. Don't get many Belgians around where I'm from you see lol |
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