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SabinX Arrives.
06.27.04, 15:26:38
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Post #1 (permalink) |
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Heavy rain falls while he walks. He walks at his own pace. All that you hear is the sounds of the rain beating down on his coat, on the ground. His steel toe boots clank as they pound the ground. He blends into the night with his black overcoat. His hair, although wet, stays some what spiked and in his face. He sees through his glasses, spotted with rain, as it was clear as day. He stands just below six feet. Not intimedating, not untill he takes his coat off.
A voice cracks out behind him, "Where are you going X?"
The heavy pounding of his boots stop and all that is left is the sound of the rain. The rain pounding down on him, on everything around him.
A strong yet soft voice comes from the man called X, "I am leaving here. I wish to remember who I was... who I am."
"You cannot run away X." The man takes a step forward and as he does so, X takes a hand out of his pocket and points to the ground.
"I do not suggest you come forward more than you have."
As soon as X finished his sentence he hears the sounds of a dozen feet pounding on the ground, splattered with rain, surrounding him.
"You know I do not wish to take you back with force X." The man takes a step forward.
Sabin looks up and around him. Six men surround him, two directly in front, one on each side, and two behind him all at about 4 strides distance. He looks back down towards the ground and watches the rain as it splatters the ground. It smooths out and runs together, the rain, and runs past his feet to a drain in the corner of the street. He looks back up and to the right of a man in front of him there is a street light. He glances back. Directly behind the two men behind him is another street lamp. He looks back down at the ground, being splattered by the rain.
"Thats it X, let us take you." The man says as he cracks. "Take him."
The six men walk forward and as they do so X seems to have emited a slight pulse of light, although very small. So small, in fact, that the six men did not notice. He looks back up, through his crystal blue eyes, and walks forward towards the two men in front of him.
"Take him down. Take him down! Dont let him escape." The man shouts as he points to X.
Sabin than strides forward and seems to slide between the two men in front of him. He does not turn his head, only his body. As he grabs the man his body is facing, he slams his heel into the thigh of the man behind him. The body soars away, hitting his head on the lamp post. As the body hits the ground, he throws the man he grabbed on the shoulder towards the two men that were at his sides that have made it behind him. The body makes contact and knocks both men to the ground. As the men hit the ground, the last two men stop. Waiting, listening to the rain slamming on the ground.
"I suggest you walk away." He straightens his body to were his back is facing towards the last two gaurds and the man with the cracking voice.
"Lets go... get the men." He said as his coice cracked again. "You cannot run away for ever. I will get you back one day."
"That day is obviously not today." Sabin says as his heavy footsteps contineu once again.
Walking in the pounding rain, slamming on his body and on the ground. He does not think, just walks. He walks for a good time when he finally stops. His vision comes back to him and he looks to his right. An inn, the rain pounding on his head.
"It would be good to sleep tonight." He says to himself and looks back down.
He turns to his right and walks inside. He sees people at every table. Some look up at him and others dont mind his presence at all. Sabin walks up to the desk and looks right into the inn keepers eyes.
"I would like a room." He says as he places a bag of gold onto the table. |
Last edited by SabinX : 06.27.04 at 15:29:46.
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______________________________________
J A PAN!!!!
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| No, the X is not fo extreme. |
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| Since when do we RP our introductions? |
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Oh, snap. I'm back online.
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Quote:
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Quoth SabinX:
No, the X is not fo extreme.
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why? |
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Quote:
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Quoth Winter Nights:
Since when do we RP our introductions?
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I thought it would be interesting to RP my introduction. Ive never introduced myself this way. I am also a major RPer... makes sense to introduce myself as such.
And the X doesnt stand for extreme because it doesnt. If I join a RPing clan/group/guild than all will be revealed. Actually a little bit has already been revealed in my character sheet in the RPing section. |
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I think its quite original actually.
Not a bad piece of writing. It is tightly written and doesn't go over the top.
Staying in the present tense is difficult and you stray a little here and there (you use said once or twice which is past tense), plus what's with all this 'seems' stuff. Be more certain of yourself. Don't hedge your actions.
The dialogue is good and well spaced out. That gets you in my good books.
One point. Avoid repetition (e.g. you use the word body in consecutive sentences and also try to avoid the over use of 'he' at beginning).
If I was Zemitra Reporting on this it would get:
Chocobos Grade: :chocobo :chocobo :chocobo
:auron Writer's Grade: approx. 7.0/10
See you in Republic Harbour!
GZ |
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X always either stands for extreme or extra. Or X-ray. Or.. xylophone. You play the xylophone, don't you. Bastard..
Welcome to FFR.  |
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Thanks a bunch GZ. I saw these forums and Ive been looking for a good forum for a long time now so I just typed it out. Very little planning except for the character that I wanted. Ill have my original work out in a few weeks.
EDIT
I reread my post GZ and I dont unserstand where your getting the "seems" from? |
Last edited by SabinX : 06.28.04 at 18:50:43.
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